When M. abused me in TX, was it deserved for past behavior w/ other men? I was sort of thoughtless when leaving someone -- just did it. I was devoted to B., like a relative, and it didn't occur to me to be serious for long about anyone else, to really stay by them. Until MS, that is, and he was abusive, also addicted. He cheated; I cheated. We broke up a lot. I moved. I returned. I lost P., a great guy set to be an heir who could more than walk. Why am I sleeping in pee? Is this, too, karma? The cheating, the debts for being in a low- or no-pay profession, are all of these rectified? I tortured myself for years about it and gave myself hopeful little promises about life after debt. Maybe I am a glutton for punishment. I feel I have yet to experience a really true & great relationship w/ someone. I used to believe I could never marry a paraplegic. Through it all -- until my lights were knocked out in AA -- I stayed kind in daily ways. Then I went just crazy and very creative. My sister & mother caught it from me but no one else. I caught it from them, too. BB called this a.m. to ask for money again -- this time for a tradeshow -- and prefaced it w/ her claim (true) that T. had invited her to NY free of charge. He is such a funny rich democrat -- the phone ringing off the hook as if it were a fundraiser in reverse. Cherokee called five times and let it ring 30 times each. Today he isn't drinking, is a little ill from it, and good company, why I stay. The aroma of urine fills the living room. My handwashed jeans are drying in the bathroom after being covered in yesterday's urine on the couch. CN wrote to complain that she hadn't even asked for money, but there was a large outburst from her that my sister is crazy and T. is supporting her. My sister is depending on my mother, as I said. T. called Grace Church about getting married and the realtor about a pied a terre. The words "pied a terre" came to me just in time, spontaneously -- I thought it meant garden apt., wh. it could mean, but in NY it means second dwelling, and co-ops don't like them. Condo then. He'll actually make $$ on one, instead of blowing it at hotels or on rent. I want to dive into an apt. w/o pee. I thought about it -- the pee is the hardest part -- it seems impossible, but I pretended that something great could happen -- something out there in the real world of NY -- something exceptional, that could help me transcend the pee & the namecalling. I never believed you "deserved" abuse from someone from another religion. If you "deserved" it for displays of outrage in childhood, why not from someone of the same religion as you, meaning it sounds like a religious explanation for what happened. Your M's displays were so much later than childhood as are T.'s. T. said the other day that it felt really great to attack me verbally. He must be so pissed that I can walk, and I'm handy. And I couldn't care less. I have enough $$ to leave & live somewhere, but I want to stay. Why do they stay? You know the women's magazine question. Why do they stay?