Today: Journal, July 21, 2007

"Today" is supposed to be the best day there is; today is the day that matters, the one that counts, the one to concern ourselves with, to live. Today has been a day of non-stop turmoil & panic & yesterday (who is my friend) brought awakening, knowledge, interest, intrigue, and some fear. I woke in the middle of the night. This has been happening, due to the telephone ringing, and I am good enough to answer, then plagued by the decision, and faulted for it if I lose sleep. We are not to answer the telephone in the middle of the night. Who calls besides drunks? No one. I used to call my manfriend crying in the middle of the night. I cried that I would not have sexuality afterall -- that was a big sob when I was thirty; I wasn't drunk. I can see crying about that. I would comfort someone crying about that. I understand that -- it's natural to believe sex is essential, but in reality, in practice, romance & sex do not work out for most people much of the time. People use each other to stave off loneliness & to get past despair & they create new boxes. Sex is a sad reason to be alone with someone. Yesterday I learned so much in one quick hour, that I would have hired me on the spot -- anyone who can learn as much as easily deserves glad recognition & constructive work. The decisions I am facing lately relate to smoking, coffee, stress, and men. I want women friends very earnestly & might do many new things to meet new ones. I do not want sex. This is just true & no longer a sad subject. I believe writing will result from my new direction.