Full Moon

Christmas letter

That this was/to me now/it’s a nightmare/with Asian women/who go off/girlfriends of white men/central standard time/in a message dated 12/24/2008/away for a/ER, I stayed/him to the/had achieved getting/after we had/choice this time/didn’t have a/realize now, he/a dying man,/program or when/would know which/that no one/treatment/Friday a.m./a ballet on/“maternity!” it was/VT “power of”/the friend in/I misspoke to/“attorn-ety,”/going to smell/the doorman is/I said, “T.,”/to buy vodka/using his walker/covered in piss/in shell-shocked/I was coming/about T. since/suggested I write/my writing group/someone in/half-written papers there/go through my/it out and/I could wait/half a year/would recommend for/left the apartment/morning T. had/into treatment one/get him back/had been to/the emphasis/I thought he’d/T. by Wednesday,/the room with/I was in/on, and since/this was going/while/a few things/tell you/for wives and/group in NY/there’s a support/whore I said/for a Korean/me to send/asked/while wheeling dealing/down the hall/in the office/I was smoking/that, for example,/going on,/to you. D./Simple Merry Christmas/can keep it/the energy? You/have

But this a.m. I’ll/privacy, and it does/it, bec. it invades/said I wouldn’t do/his “health” and I/vodka all year, but/I hadn’t bought him/to go to treatment/until T. could agree/prevent seizures

Caught a cold from the damp futon and couldn’t get up -- I said he needs a hospital and they had

The week before he went in the ambulance:

Thought I meant two days detox somewhere and then ship him to a treatment place. T. was on

Unbelievably, C.F. sent me an email for the first time since 1999, when we broke.

With her?) -- and I was feeling it. He was pissed at the squash coach for calling and he’d go to

Haircut that turned out looking like Ben Franklin’s hair, and now it was dirty and matted. His friend,

That I wait until he wakes up before I sign a lease in St. Paul. If he’s in treatment as the experts

Was wandering the street waiting for liquor stores to open in the snow; the doctor called for the

I had bought him beer to get off vodka. Another friend in VT was checking into programs for him

Where T. at one point had told me to get a place -- his grandfather’s territory. My sister advised

I don’t blame him for these details. I just want him to become well again. That’s it.

To pneumonia from/an infection due/surgery they removed/much about the/I didn’t know, D./ in St. Paul/looking at apartments/MN, so I’m/my hands in/sit here on/very hard to/a novel it's/it’s /walk etc. I/he could barely/a seizure though/within hours after/they’d released him/in the past,/him, et al./we all love/her words, reassurances/or take in/recognize her yet/ attorney/has power of/his in CA/a friend of/on our cels/separate treatment programs/him at home/could care for/do that someone/as they usually/ER would think/one in the/do so no

We stripped him he/paramedics got there and/the maid arrived the/ambulance his sister called/their treatment place, maybe/to go back to/years ago he wanted/in treatment a few/w/ and met

A.Q. just visited T. in the ICU, and his eyes were open, but he didn’t seem to

The futon talking to his other girlfriends -- C. and S. (the alcoholic, violent one he’d lived

Thanks, A -- I had just called, too. Can you tell me something about the surgery, whenever you

You, “don’t you want to change your pants?” And he said, “I smell fine.” I had given him a home

Happy holy days, she wrote.

His lungs. One lung is working less well than the other.

The Yale squash coach, was calling every few hours and literally coaching me to buy him vodka to

Learned on Sat. a.m. that he had pneumonia and was having the surgery.

"Welcome" and other words with "co" in them at Ana Verse

chocolate alcohol alcoholic Cohosh comment(s) cornered college could Constitutional conjugal couldn’t economics economy counts company couple country conscientious concerns convenient discounted context conglomerate concealed accomplishment construction considerations convenience contains correspond Conditions commencement convinced encompassing commonplace confined community become discover copy course consent contemporary Wisconsin conspirator conform commercial complaints composed incomplete accompanied come contact conservative Coleman convention commiserating encourage record(s) second uncooperative inconclusive competition conquer cocktail coffee color(s) cottage Mexico Court constant corners coop countrified cover(ing) telescope correspondent courted Moscow Icons frescoes cold(s) corn conspirators commemorates collection compared cost convent complete Conchology encouraged correspondence copyright conditioning conversation cobblestones Columbia incoming encounter nicotine colleagues collide couch uncounted uncountable corresponding contracting complicated connected columns cookies computer comparisons control comfortable controlling accountability communicating income coercion commit conflict compromise courage courteous conscience convergence combination code Columbia collaborative Commentary Nicole Conference Coast cozy contracts counsel considerably Conrad constraints convincingly recorder constantly cousin continued cook cowed coarseness communicator coming Co. Coach scoop contents collaboration cock coneflower cont’d semicolon San Francisco Giscombe Cool Cooper Discover condition confirmed coupled conversion coma converts Charcot complain county consider colloq. compare covenant condemned condemnation consciousness controversy count coverage according commented Recovery continuance continuing recount co- compiled recommended Conjunctions cow(s) decorating commercialized overcome concern comfort recognition constructive conformity confusion confession coalition counterpoint convey broccoli unrecognized consciously comfortably courses concert conductor coleus common cops complained coasts Reconstruction Scott covetous raccoons coyote enconium core economically concept(s) confused incorrect compact becoming communality consequence forthcoming Housecoat Iorco Collective Jacob countdown containing hardcover countries collect(ed) coaches welcome condemning encounters comforting conducted composition composer discomfort scouting Scotland consumer congealed controversial construed colleagues account coughing succor secondary continues comprehension consistently countered confirming conspiracy comparing coterie convergent connive cone counterculture colorful copies compares recognize confidence unconscious newcomer compressible costly concrete O’Connor Lincoln coifed completeness comprehensive constitute concentrates considering copper discombobulated collaborations Ecco compelled incompletely consequences connections recording(s) discomfiture coincidence contemplation discourse comprehensiveness colonies concentrating combative corpses compliments contemporaries compassion codeine tobacconist coiffed Condi Scorsese commission considered coronation cord continue column companion tobacco cocaine uncontrollable congenial cockroaches New Mexico Nova Scotia Scout Collin consumes collar council recovered correcting conversations reconciling commitments couplets Scots conclusion completion connoisseur discouraged colder combined concerned contemplate accounts considerable cosseted convivial coquettish scouring coolest acorn contacted conception discourage colored

"Honor" and other words with "ho" in them at Ana Verse

who whom show those whose should hold holding ethos thought thoughts telephone phone photo photos hosting hotel metaphor wholeness whole author authors short story How without neighborhood shout shouting though hope hopes hoped home school schooling behooves Thoreau shop shops shopped shopping shoe shoes House chocolate hockey although Peterhof honey hour hours orthodox Mokhovaya Thomas homelessness alcohol alcoholic Soho xenophoria housing wholly authority thoroughly hounded Psychologists honest honesty honestly thorn shorter shortest Houston Teahouse anthology scholarship homepage Hors-d’oeuvre shoot choices however anyhow shoulder shouldery shots chop chops hover hovers hooligan hoists horse horses poncho Hosta Halloween Ghosts Hoss Housekeeping Cohosh Hogging Melancholy Pochoir pathology thousand thousands poorhouse hood horny hostess Catholic childhood headshots shook hormones horrible shouldn’t throughout choose honor shoves saxophone Beethoven hospital hook shore shores hot Hopkins Howard holing shoo underhoof hombre househusband holler chose lithokons Holocaust horsemen holsters wholly barbershop symphonies Shockley Holmes shorthand honors honored workshop echo echoingly housecleaning Chekhov cahoots anchored choking holographic shortly Houdini somehow method cathood hopping Jericho homosexuals method homage shortcuts horseback headphones crackhouse Honduras priesthood anchor upholstery menthol porkchop Shoppe shock horticultures Holly homebase shovel hooked photographer shown hops hon

Unrequited Loves, a collaboration

by Ann Bogle & Carol Novack

AB:

Nestor Topchy is an artist in Houston. C. and I had scanned all the men in town at parties for artists before we settled on him. He was the only exciting man to be found, we said. There were two others, but they were married, and it's telling that at 23 and 28, C. and I would not teufel with married men. That would come later. There are many stories about Nestor, but I'll tell you two. One night C. and I drove my car toward Nestor's house in the Heights. I had noticed that my odometer was nearing 66,666. It was at 66,665. We circled the block three times to get the odometer to read 66,666.66 in front of his house, which was a compound in the weeds.

I called his girlfriend, Jan, when I heard they might be breaking up. C. already lived with her boyfriend, but this interest in Nestor didn't stop there. I admitted to Jan that I was interested in Nestor, but I wanted to hear it from her that they were breaking up. They were breaking up, she said, "but he really isn't interested in relationships." "Okay, sorry, thanks," I said and hung up. For years I thought I'd been a feminist about it in bringing it directly to her, but I also felt deeply awash in embarrassment over it. He's not interested in relationships, I said, and shut up.

Camille Claudel

L.H. would not remember this bec. she was not in school w/ us, but I had taken one look at B.P. and said, "no thank you" when the other graduate students urged me to believe that he would or could make or break our careers. A. says I like alcoholics best; here was one I didn't seem to like. He was an ad man from NY, and, as it turned out, not a very talented poet. I have a stubborn streak. Perhaps B.P. made it for E.W. but broke it for the rest of us. Who among us is tenured? E.W. B.P. is E.W.'s literary executor. Is T.L. tenured? Did T.L. go through B.P.? A. and R.H. say T.L. is a sociopath. Is T.L. "missing"? T.L. got A. her "job." Is M.M. still "missing"? Why did D.M. and M.M. and A.B. avoid drugs or not encounter them until 1993 – into their 30s? What was going on in 1993? That's when I met G. and saw A. there in her cocktail dress. G. was on coke in high school. A. reminds us that T.L.'s mother was schizophrenic. Am I still missing something? Was I "missing"? I was at home not writing. The therapist said repeatedly to write for therapy only, but it was counter to training, so I sat. Later I wrote about that. Six days at the psych. hospital in Houston, so I missed a few conversations. Do the women who published books remember B.P.? L.M. may be tenured. B.P. was after her time. Is my forgetting B.P. why I said the other day that I have a life, not a career -- I have a life, not a cigarette and coffee sobriety?

T. called B.P. the other day and put us on the phone together. We talked about squirrels. I told him that I was making a chapbook for someone in a chapbook collective, and he said that that sounded "creative." Does it? I'm just dropping someone else's work at the printer and paying for it. I'm not to the point of asking B.P. to read my poems.

Y'all may have heard A. say that only one of the poems in my present chapbook, my second, the one called "Borgo Was 29 on His Birthday" is glad to be female. A. likes that poem because it has the word "consumerism" in it, my suspicion, not because it is glad to be female. The female speaker remembers for him bec. he forgets -- is remembering female? and forgetting male? I thought the rememberer in "Head" enjoys watching him from his ceiling -- the man in the poem, who is stoned, yet atoned, in his 10th step, exactly where he started. A.'s husband likes my vanity poem, the one I wrote in 1983 but did not submit or buy until many years later, when I ordered in hardcover for my mother. My first published poem. I remember when I presented it to my mother, I said, "This is not prestigious." That vanity press had gotten even more flack than usual because with W.D. Snodgrass at the helm, and larger cash prizes than most prestigious grants, people might make the mistake of thinking it was prestigious. She laughed because she liked it, anyway. Touch of Tomorrow is the name of the volume.

Gals. Girls. Ladies. T. can't pronounce the plural and says "woman" for "women." L., my former "hick" friend whom A. met, says "gals." So she sings but doesn't write. She sings a drastically deep and sonorous form of the blues and tells everyone to kiss her white ass. She's 5'2" and 105 pounds – wh. is not fat, by the way. She dropped out of college at 79 pounds. She remembers witnessing the rape of her poodle when she was young by a much larger dog, a mutt. Then Coco had one baby. L.'s nose is African like my green eyes. She gets Brazilians. She doesn't like the Jewish people due to the day the school canceled Christmas. She can't forget it. She cried over it when she told the story to her Jewish woman friend, a bartender, who couldn't get enough of her. Many alcoholics in L.'s clan. Her dad was in the bar equipment and the bar business. He died at 32 of a heart attack, but some of the kids said he'd been shot at the airport. She is Catholic/Lutheran but nothing really, which is why it jolted her not to worship Christmas at school. It jolted me less, and I loved the dredel song. We went to Congregational church and had church music there, and my father was in the choir -- these two men years later, Mr. Soules, who'd had a brain tumor that had left a stitch near his mouth, and my father, Jack Bogle (not of Vanguard but of Gillette), whose prostate cancer had left him bereft but not without strength for the distance. He died in 1992, six months after my trip to the psych. ward and the same year B.P. got to Houston. His hair was gorgeous and shiny and jet black. And his father was of Scottish parents and brown.

When C. fantasized about mental hospitals, it was the gothic type that she'd seen in Camille Claudel. When A. dreams of it, it is what? The woman the AA group stoned to a pulp was Jewish. She'd been to Bellevue in high school for downers she'd bought on 14th St. after early rapes. My family went to all lengths to protect her from her violent husband. She ended up "relapsing" on drugs she'd never used before 19 years of AA, heroin for one. T. brags about heroin. He enacts shooting up. Does anyone go to NA? Is NA just plain out of style? I agreed to go once with a schizophrenic woman pot smoker from AA. Everyone was 17 years old. One man was 40. I said very nervously in that crowd something I wouldn't say today except at an AA meeting -- I was an alcoholic.