Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Suffering is true to their gender

Today I'm pensing about Derek Walcott: I'd been called to the office of a graduate student predator in the 80s myself. I didn't report it or to him, went to class every other time, and got a B for the semester. If Derek Walcott called to ask me to go to Jamaica, I'd go. I wrote, "I'd rather hunt the wild boar with Derek Walcott than be called to his office." I dreamt that my oldest friend's husband asked me to make love. He was traveling on business. She had fucked my man in a previous dream. I agreed but only to a threesome with a man who'd been my lover in the past. We tried to undress then were foiled by modesty in that public place with its staircase.

As it is, I may have a meeting with Kate Millett, who has a standing meeting with a friend who called last night. We talked for two hours. We talked about feminism. I told her I'd become an activist (momentarily) for mentals' rights. She advised discussing "bipolar" only with people I trust, and I said that though I like "trust," I don't have time to wait for it. I said one of my medications, which prevents anxiety -- one of two manifestations of "bipolar," the other depression -- might be preventing my imagination from f(ol)lowing artistically.

She said she would supply first sentences for me to get a go on. To read DeLillo and Bolano then write to see if I have vision.

It was this friend who had referred me to her therapist in New York. The therapist was smart, intuitive, and cut to the chase. She charged $200 per hour not covered by my insurance. She dx'd me with anxiety and counseled me to give up bipolar. It's hard to imagine that I took four bottles of pills per month for 17 years and that there had been no need for it. To pay for that, I'd gone on welfare insurance. It's hard on self-esteem to be on welfare. We talked victimization and self-esteem.

I told my friend, if my current union founders and if gay marriage becomes legal in New York (and Minnesota and Texas), I'd marry a 6-foot or taller "out" mental case of either gender. "Tall," I said, "he or she has to be tall." She predicted a rocky union, but I said, "Our eyes -- gentle brown and soft green -- would blend."

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