Age, men, and friends

In "The Cool Report" I wrote that my boyfriend works to prevent drug addiction among high school students. In fact, that is my ex-boyfriend, a relationship I finished some eight years ago. I had an intense but not long relationship with a poetry publisher -- and still think of it for its warmth. That was 2001. There are men friends who call and write and friendly thoughts toward men I used to know who do not write or call. Last year several men I knew turned 50. I tried to celebrate a little -- like an aunt or younger sister -- by sending cards. I thought of ideal gifts I could send them. I thought of them all year. I have women friends who have never met one another -- one is a college friend, one a friend from graduate school, one from early childhood, and another a mentor friend, my senior in age and experience. Since 2003, I went on a few internet dates. These we arranged purposely and cautiously. Many men seek out younger women, because they can -- because they're handsome and established. As a former teacher not hired when I was 31, not yet married, and without children, "a loser" as one woman put it when I was happy despite it all at 37 -- men are possible to meet but hard to keep. If they are divorced with children, they have their responsibilities and want their freedom. Since I enjoy wholesome life with a man and friends most, I go most toward that.

I sometimes look like a wife in my pinchy glasses, but I have the physical memory of sex; my body acted bravely while each he replenished and considered me. I desire a better life than the one I have been leading: or happiness.